sgt kiwi

Hi, I'm Josh. Where do I even start?

I like snow. Expanding off this, I don’t really know how to start this. I would like to go out and play in the snow and take pictures. I want to go out and have fun and screw around like we used to do when we were kids but the sad truth is that we can’t. Hell, I’ve got the heart of a kid and the mental stability as well. I play Pokemon, sleep with a teddy bear, and still eat too much candy. I feel as adults, we are expected to prepare for the future. However, what are we to do when there is nothing left to prepare for? If we spend all our time preparing, nothing will get done. So honestly why bother trying to figure out whats going to happen and let’s have each day be a surprise. I personally like surprises. I feel that everything is happening so fast and that we shouldn’t be grown ups already. We should be having snowball fights and building forts and sure we might run outside and do it every now and again with family and friends but its just not the same. I mean we aren’t going to truly appreciate it again until we have our own kids. My biggest fear is growing up. Sometimes I stop and think because really, it all happened so fast. I mean really, just I feel like I got cheated out of what I should’ve got. I spent the first few years with both my parents and then I spent the next 7 or 8 with my mother. After that I was with my dad. Now I’m not saying that neither supported me or that they didn’t raise me well, I’m saying that there was something I missed. Something so important, yet something so small, that I never picked up and enjoyed. I probably don’t act like most adults, I KNOW I don’t act like most adults but its because I’m not ready. And sitting around day after day playing videogames is just something to do to keep me at ease. I’m not ready for college. I’m here and I’m not ready. I’m not trying to say that I don’t want to be here, its just that I’m still a kid. I walk around in polar bear pajamas and a t-shirt. I’ve got holes in my socks and get easily excited. I have smaller fears that are probably the same as a child. I don’t like sleeping in a room alone, I’m not afraid of the dark but given the chance to have to the light on I’d prefer it, I’m afraid of ghosts following me, and I’m afraid of being alone. But I mean I’m afraid of other things too. I’m afraid of not being good enough and I always doubt myself. I try not to show it but its there. I want to be different, but I want to be a good different. I don’t even know why I’m ranting all this right now at 5:41am on a school morning. I do know that my fears tend to get the best of me and they always will. My imagination tends to be my worst enemy most days. I’m losing any kind of motivation to do anything lately, but its nothing worth really worrying about. And I also feel like I have some sort of a non-extreme form of depression lately. I say non-extreme because I feel that if I were to say mild that it would make it sound worse than it is. I just want to be happy really. I don’t like staying up late and then barely making it through the day. I don’t even know why I stay up as late as I do. I get roughly 5-6 hours of sleep if that and for some odd reason I think that it’s acceptable. I like sleep, I really do but lately I don’t know how I feel about it. This rant was probably unnecessary and I truly do appreciate you if you really took the time to go out of your way and read this. This is what goes on in my head.
Joshua

Always wanted to..

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